A Diary from the Oregon Trail
February 26th 1848
My name is Ted Leo and I am a carpenter from Ohio. My traveling party consists of Elliot S, Stephen M, Travis M (No relation to Stephen), and Rivers C. We decide it will be best to leave early, so we set out in the cold weather of March.

February 27th
Being the successful carpenter I am, I have 400 dollars to spend on supplies down at 'Ol Matt's General Store. I opt to spend $610 dollars out of my 800. It seems like a full load! Matt wishes me luck on my "long and difficult journey." He then laughs in a very ominous way. I quickly exit the store.

February 28th
Loading up the wagon. Rivers moans the whole time. I think that Travis wants him dead.

March 1st, 1848.
We hang around Independence for a day. It is not the nicest looking city I have ever been in; it looks to be made up of four colors, mostly green. Loud, poor quality music is playing. It sounds like "Yankee Doodle" played out through a series of beeps and boops. We have to get out of this place. It is 102 miles to the Kansas River Crossing. We set out at a strenuous pace.

March 5th, 1848
We reach Kansas River. Everything has been going well, except that Rivers has been moaning the whole time. I caught Travis loading a rifle and muttering about "destroying his sweater." I quickly put an end to that situation.
The river is 652 feet across and 6 feet deep. Having played this game before, I decide to just pay to use the ferry. It'll cost me 5 bucks and 4 days. A small price to pay for not losing a ton of my hard earned supplies.

March 9th, 1848
The ferry got us across just peachy. Conditions are good and the weather is warm. Its 83 miles to the next river. Loud, beeping music begins to play again. We quickly head out on the trail.

March 12th, 1848
Disaster! We reached the Big Blue River in no time at all, but upon trying to cross, we realized there was no ferry. We decided to caulk the wagon and float it across. Mid river it tipped. The results were terrible, 9 sets of clothing, 2 wagon wheels, 2 wagon axles, 3 wagon tongues, and 317 pounds of food were lost. We're screwed.

March 13th
Goddamn it, what is it with this trail and the annoying music?! We set off on the road again, with just 503 pounds of food and 1 set of clothing to us all. I bet the other 4 guys are going to be cold; it's 119 miles until the next store.

March 15th
We find a grave site. Poor Andy, he didn't make it. His tombstone reads "peperony and chease." Clever to the last. Health is fair. I think I may have to hunt soon.

March 17th
Sever blizzard, we loose a whole day. Health is still fair.

March 19th
We reach Fort Kearny. It is also made of four colors and that loud music persists. I think I may have to kill the sound soon. We decide to buy some clothes, which are a good thing, I'm sick of looking at those other guys' asses. We spend about a hundred bucks on clothes. Best hundred bucks I've ever spent. We set out on the trail again; it's 250 miles to the next site.

March 21st
Health is fair, so I decide to hunt and rest a few days. My first attempt at hunting is laughable, I hit nothing.

March 22nd
Second attempt is slightly better; I kill a deer and get 64 pounds of food. I want a goddamn buffalo so I try again.

March 23rd
My third attempt is no better than the first; I spend most of the time dancing and wasting ammo. I try one last time.

March 24th
Success! I cap a buffalo and what I think was a squirrel. I end up with 978 pounds of food, but since I'm traveling with a bunch of nancys, I can only carry 100 pounds.

April 1st
We rest for a few days. Half of our food disappears. I blame Travis who promptly breaks my nose. I fear I have to hunt again.

April 9th
We reach Chimney rock. Heath is good, but the food is down to 262 pounds. I really don't want to hunt again.

April 11th
What luck! We find an abandoned wagon with 1 wheel and three tongues just sitting there. Elliot and I have a good chuckle over the sign on the back, "California or Bust!" Looks like it was the latter.

April 12th
We reach Fort Laramie. I insert the second disc and attempt to trade with someone. No one wants to trade with me. Disgusted and hurt, we immediately leave the fort and shake the dust from out pixilated boots.

April 13th
I go hunting. I kill a deer and get 64 pounds of meat. Not, satisfied, I try again.

April 14th
I kill three animals and get 69 pounds. Still not satisfied.

April 15th
Third time seems to be the charm; I butcher a buffalo and get 963 pounds of meat. Once again, I am cursed by the weak company I keep and can only carry 100 pounds back. We set off on the trail once again.

April 27th
We reach Independence Rock with out incident. It is not 102 miles to the next landmark. Health is fair, food is scarce. I go hunting.

April 28th
I kill 1046 pounds of animal and get 100. There is no justice in this black and green world.

April 29th
I kill a rabbit and get a pound. Travis devours it and I snicker. He breaks my nose again.

April 30th
I kill a lot of meat and get 100 pounds. I'm sick of this; we head out on the trail.

May 6th
We reach South Pass. Health is fair. I'm bored and couldn't care less. I hope someone dies soon or something. This is repetative. I'm told the trail divides here. We decide to head for the green river crossing.

May 8th
Breakfast Club comes on my roommate's TV. I get distracted.

May 12th
We ferry across the Green River without incident. We head back out on the trail.

May 14th
Bad Water

May 15th
Bad water

May 16th
Bad water. Health is poor. I think we may be out of food. I haven't been paying much attention. I decide to hunt.

May 17th
I get 100 pounds of food. Whoopee.

May 19th
Elliot breaks an arm! Finally, some excitement! He claims he "fell down a flight of stairs," but I just don't believe him. I think Rivers did it, but I'm not saying anything. That guy has a temper.

May 20th
No water

May 21st
No water. Health is poor. 57 miles to the next dot on the map.

May 24th
Very little water. Health is poor. I know not what to do. I can't hunt or buy water. This game is flawed.

May 25th
Inadequate grass. I don't even know what that means.

May 28th
An ox wanders off and we lose 3 days. We're down to 64 pounds of food, and I'll be damned if I'm going hunting. One of these other slackers can do it.

May 31st
Rough trail. 17 pounds of food. I think I am going to have to hunt.

June 1st
With just one pound of food left, I go a huntin'. I kill 2 pounds. I need to try again.

June 2nd
64 pounds.

June 3rd
2 pounds. Fuck this shit; we're going back on the trail.

June 9th
The food is gone, health is poor, and we just broke a wagon wheel. Last time I ever give the controls to Stephen. He spaced, and drove it over a cactus. His excuse? "Oh, I thought it was a bridge." What?! What the hell?! We're in the middle of the dessert! We tried to repair it to no avail, so we replaced it and I went hunting.

June 10th
No food. I decide to just let us run with nothing, and see how long it takes to kill all of us. This should be fun.

June 13th
We reach some river. I am so bored. I decide to ford it. We get about 5 feet in and sink. We lose a bunch of supplies and Stephen and Rivers are dead. Good riddance. They didn't do anything anyway.

June 14th
"Indians help find food." So, not only is this trail boring, it's also not PC. Damn right it's not PC, it's Apple II! HAHAHAHA!

June 15th
Ox gets injured. Things are going so badly. I pray for the sweat release of death or a computer crash.

June 16th
Elliot has a fever. We break a tongue. I can't move on until it is replaced.

July 1st
I finally get a tongue. Elliot now has exhaustion and Travis has cholera. We have no food and health is very poor. Death can't be far off. We head back out on the trail.

July 2nd
Elliot kicks the bucket. That was quick, huh?

July 5th
Travis dies. So, I guess it's just me left. There is little water. I pray for death.

July 6th
We find some wild fruit. I am happy.

July 7th
Heavy fog. We lose a day. I don't know why I am saying "we." It's now just me and some ox.

July 8th
I break my arm. Last time I ever try to surf an ox.

July 14th
More fog. Jesus, please, let me reach Oregon or die. Please?

July 17th
The trail divides, I head for the Dalles.

July 23rd
I reach The Dalles and decide to float down the river. It looks like I may make it after all. Who knew?

July 24th
Holy shit! I actually made it to the Willamette Valley! I have completed the Oregon Trail! I haven't done this since like 4th grade!

I feel great. I made it, but at the same time I can’t help but think of those I lost along the journey.

Total Score: 550. I know you're jealous. It's okay. Just don't get rude.

It was a long and hard journey, but I'm glad I made it. The days of working in a carpenter's shop are over. It's going to be smooth sailing from here.