How to Make Yourself More Attractive

A Helpful Guide to the Modern College Girl

Hello and welcome. First, I feel I need to introduce myself; your professor. My name is Marty Sweeney and I am currently a second semester college student. As a heterosexual male at college, I feel I am fully qualified to instruct you, the female, in the art of making yourself wholly attractive. In this guide you will find many tips, from how to maximize the attractiveness of your hair right down to the very sweatpants you should be wearing. Let's get started, shall we?

Part One: Your Hair and Face

The first thing to consider when trying to increase you attractiveness is how you present your face and hair. We will start with the hair. There is nothing more attractive to a college student than obvious bleached blond hair with highlights that clearly came from a can. It doesn't matter if you have jet-black hair; fake looking highlights are a must. Really, the faker looking the highlights, the better. If your hair is naturally highlighted, you will be seen as plain and unappealing. You must use chemicals to dye your natural hair color. And try to make your hair look just like the hair of the girl sitting next to you. You want to look as much like everyone else as possible. Looking the same is the only way someone will like you. You do want to meet someone and be happy right? Good. Moving on.

The face is one of the most important parts of being beautiful, and this beauty starts with makeup. A natural beauty? Yeah, right. Guys want makeup. Thick, caked-on makeup. When you look in the mirror and your face doesn't look like it is ready to slide off; then you clearly do not have enough on. Just keep this handy rhyme in you head "French whores get more…s"

The other aspect to the face (and this actually goes for the rest of your body too!) is the tan. Looking human is out. Human is ugly, girls! Try to look as manufactured as possible. This look can be achieved very simply through fake tan. Forget getting natural sunlight or just being you, what you ladies need is skin altering chemicals. If you don't look orange then you are probably ugly. College kids want bright orange skin, especially here at the University of Illinois. Orange and blue! School pride!

This concludes Part One. Part two coming soon.