Monday, May 08, 2006

This week: The Orange And Blue Observer!

Yes, folks, it's time for us here at Toner to actually start doing something with our little corner of the web, and I have decided to use it to help stop one of the greatest atrocities at the University of Illinois.

Poor fashion.

You thought I was going to say the Orange and Blue Observer, didn't you? Nah, going after a group that is just utilizing their free speech in a non hateful and extremely respectful manner would just be foolish.

If there is one thing that really cheeses me, it's poor fashion. This would actually work better as a two person routine, come to think of it. I'd say, "Hey, Charlie, you know what I hate?" and Charlie would respond "College students who take a platform of hate mongering and pass it off as freedom of speech?" and then I'd respond with "No! Poor fashion!" Yeah. That'd be great.

But anyway, bad fashion sucks, so instead of just spouting my own wild and almost insanely off-balanced opinions, I thought I'd lend a helping hand to those of us who don't have an artist's eye. The OBO is the perfect group for that, as one can clearly see from their paper layouts, websites, and personal blogs. They guys got no stylee. I'm here to help. Let's take a look at a classic picture of the OBO at work.

Wow. These guys need help and badly. I cropped the picture by the way and the original can be found here. The blank spaces were bugging me. I'm only going after the two guys on the right, I don't think the third guy is actually in the OBO.

Oh, where to begin? Well, let's start on the right, cause that's as good a place as any!

First things first: Trucker hat. A big No-no. Those things went out with the "Jesus is my Homeboy" shirts, which I'm a little surprised I'm not seeing on these guys. I'd say replace that mesh mess with something casual but snappy, like a nice looking fedora or a Irish cap. Both are acceptable as you are a reputable news man, and I think you should look as such. If you don't want to take the dressy route, then I'd have to say go for something minimal, like a ski cap. Or no hat at all. That's probably better, unless you have some scars or something. I don't know, I don't know you.

The black t-shirt is a good start. You really can't go wrong with black in this guy's opinion. It's classic and it always looks good, but fit is very important. This shirt is clearly one size to big. Slim fit is in man!

Same for the jeans. Way too baggy, and what's with the crotch going all the way to the knees? It's not 1998 anymore and you are not in grade school. Pull up them pants, big boy. And is that a painters loop? What did I just say? I'd recommend a nice pair of 501 or 517 Levis, but I know people would want you to take the 7 or Lucky route, which is fine, they look good, I just can't speak from experience.

Moving on, dude on the left. What are you thinking. It's a train wreck from top to bottom. The hair has got to go. Get a stylist or some gel or something, man, it looks like a kindergartener's first class photo. The shirt is way too big in the arms, call a tailor, and I can't vouch for that color, although I think if you added a nice blazer, it would work in a "spring is here" kind of way. As for your pants: I'm not digging the color. I really don't like khakis anymore, and cargos only work on certain people. What you got going on upstairs leads me to believe that your pants aren't going to be in the best shape, but because I can't seem them, you get a pass. God help you if they are shorts.

And, well, that's all I got. Send me comments and questions, and all that jazz, anyone who wants to help out with this little project would be more than welcome!


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