How to Make Yourself More Attractive

A Helpful Guide to the Modern College Girl

Hello and welcome. First, I feel I need to introduce myself; your professor. My name is Marty Sweeney and I am currently a second semester college student. As a heterosexual male at college, I feel I am fully qualified to instruct you, the female, in the art of making yourself wholly attractive. In this guide you will find many tips, from how to maximize the attractiveness of your hair right down to the very sweatpants you should be wearing. Let's get started, shall we?

Part One: Your Hair and Face

The first thing to consider when trying to increase you attractiveness is how you present your face and hair. We will start with the hair. There is nothing more attractive to a college student than obvious bleached blond hair with highlights that clearly came from a can. It doesn't matter if you have jet-black hair; fake looking highlights are a must. Really, the faker looking the highlights, the better. If your hair is naturally highlighted, you will be seen as plain and unappealing. You must use chemicals to dye your natural hair color. And try to make your hair look just like the hair of the girl sitting next to you. You want to look as much like everyone else as possible. Looking the same is the only way someone will like you. You do want to meet someone and be happy right? Good. Moving on.

The face is one of the most important parts of being beautiful, and this beauty starts with makeup. A natural beauty? Yeah, right. Guys want makeup. Thick, caked-on makeup. When you look in the mirror and your face doesn't look like it is ready to slide off; then you clearly do not have enough on. Just keep this handy rhyme in you head "French whores get more…s"

The other aspect to the face (and this actually goes for the rest of your body too!) is the tan. Looking human is out. Human is ugly, girls! Try to look as manufactured as possible. This look can be achieved very simply through fake tan. Forget getting natural sunlight or just being you, what you ladies need is skin altering chemicals. If you don't look orange then you are probably ugly. College kids want bright orange skin, especially here at the University of Illinois. Orange and blue! School pride!

This concludes Part One. Part two coming soon.

This weekend has so much potential. It's beautiful out, I have really no homework, I'm enjoying some Phantom Planet (throw your stones), and I am about to watch a whole buncha Pete and Pete. Isn't it funny how that works out? Kevin posts about the DVD about to drop the night I borrow some bootlegs. Cosmic.

So much potential.

"I'm not alone, I'm indie."

I often wonder if music has the same emotional meanings to my parents as it does to me. Music has such sentimental and emotional attachments to me. Certain songs convey a certain meaning. But I never see my mom or dad get glassy eyed over a song. Or get tense and focused. When does music stop having a meaning and become "just rock and roll?"

God I hope I don't grow up.

Emotionally I haven't had the best weekend. I'm weak and I know it, so for some reason sometimes the littlest things can get to me in a bad way. But it's a great feeling to know that I have friends both new and old that are there for me to talk and really listen me through the rough times.

Thanks for everything guys.

I think my dad is going to be a little sad.

PEELED PENCIL, CHOKE

Rub her coke.

-Getrude Stein

A Diary from the Oregon Trail
February 26th 1848
My name is Ted Leo and I am a carpenter from Ohio. My traveling party consists of Elliot S, Stephen M, Travis M (No relation to Stephen), and Rivers C. We decide it will be best to leave early, so we set out in the cold weather of March.

February 27th
Being the successful carpenter I am, I have 400 dollars to spend on supplies down at 'Ol Matt's General Store. I opt to spend $610 dollars out of my 800. It seems like a full load! Matt wishes me luck on my "long and difficult journey." He then laughs in a very ominous way. I quickly exit the store.

February 28th
Loading up the wagon. Rivers moans the whole time. I think that Travis wants him dead.

March 1st, 1848.
We hang around Independence for a day. It is not the nicest looking city I have ever been in; it looks to be made up of four colors, mostly green. Loud, poor quality music is playing. It sounds like "Yankee Doodle" played out through a series of beeps and boops. We have to get out of this place. It is 102 miles to the Kansas River Crossing. We set out at a strenuous pace.

March 5th, 1848
We reach Kansas River. Everything has been going well, except that Rivers has been moaning the whole time. I caught Travis loading a rifle and muttering about "destroying his sweater." I quickly put an end to that situation.
The river is 652 feet across and 6 feet deep. Having played this game before, I decide to just pay to use the ferry. It'll cost me 5 bucks and 4 days. A small price to pay for not losing a ton of my hard earned supplies.

March 9th, 1848
The ferry got us across just peachy. Conditions are good and the weather is warm. Its 83 miles to the next river. Loud, beeping music begins to play again. We quickly head out on the trail.

March 12th, 1848
Disaster! We reached the Big Blue River in no time at all, but upon trying to cross, we realized there was no ferry. We decided to caulk the wagon and float it across. Mid river it tipped. The results were terrible, 9 sets of clothing, 2 wagon wheels, 2 wagon axles, 3 wagon tongues, and 317 pounds of food were lost. We're screwed.

March 13th
Goddamn it, what is it with this trail and the annoying music?! We set off on the road again, with just 503 pounds of food and 1 set of clothing to us all. I bet the other 4 guys are going to be cold; it's 119 miles until the next store.

March 15th
We find a grave site. Poor Andy, he didn't make it. His tombstone reads "peperony and chease." Clever to the last. Health is fair. I think I may have to hunt soon.

March 17th
Sever blizzard, we loose a whole day. Health is still fair.

March 19th
We reach Fort Kearny. It is also made of four colors and that loud music persists. I think I may have to kill the sound soon. We decide to buy some clothes, which are a good thing, I'm sick of looking at those other guys' asses. We spend about a hundred bucks on clothes. Best hundred bucks I've ever spent. We set out on the trail again; it's 250 miles to the next site.

March 21st
Health is fair, so I decide to hunt and rest a few days. My first attempt at hunting is laughable, I hit nothing.

March 22nd
Second attempt is slightly better; I kill a deer and get 64 pounds of food. I want a goddamn buffalo so I try again.

March 23rd
My third attempt is no better than the first; I spend most of the time dancing and wasting ammo. I try one last time.

March 24th
Success! I cap a buffalo and what I think was a squirrel. I end up with 978 pounds of food, but since I'm traveling with a bunch of nancys, I can only carry 100 pounds.

April 1st
We rest for a few days. Half of our food disappears. I blame Travis who promptly breaks my nose. I fear I have to hunt again.

April 9th
We reach Chimney rock. Heath is good, but the food is down to 262 pounds. I really don't want to hunt again.

April 11th
What luck! We find an abandoned wagon with 1 wheel and three tongues just sitting there. Elliot and I have a good chuckle over the sign on the back, "California or Bust!" Looks like it was the latter.

April 12th
We reach Fort Laramie. I insert the second disc and attempt to trade with someone. No one wants to trade with me. Disgusted and hurt, we immediately leave the fort and shake the dust from out pixilated boots.

April 13th
I go hunting. I kill a deer and get 64 pounds of meat. Not, satisfied, I try again.

April 14th
I kill three animals and get 69 pounds. Still not satisfied.

April 15th
Third time seems to be the charm; I butcher a buffalo and get 963 pounds of meat. Once again, I am cursed by the weak company I keep and can only carry 100 pounds back. We set off on the trail once again.

April 27th
We reach Independence Rock with out incident. It is not 102 miles to the next landmark. Health is fair, food is scarce. I go hunting.

April 28th
I kill 1046 pounds of animal and get 100. There is no justice in this black and green world.

April 29th
I kill a rabbit and get a pound. Travis devours it and I snicker. He breaks my nose again.

April 30th
I kill a lot of meat and get 100 pounds. I'm sick of this; we head out on the trail.

May 6th
We reach South Pass. Health is fair. I'm bored and couldn't care less. I hope someone dies soon or something. This is repetative. I'm told the trail divides here. We decide to head for the green river crossing.

May 8th
Breakfast Club comes on my roommate's TV. I get distracted.

May 12th
We ferry across the Green River without incident. We head back out on the trail.

May 14th
Bad Water

May 15th
Bad water

May 16th
Bad water. Health is poor. I think we may be out of food. I haven't been paying much attention. I decide to hunt.

May 17th
I get 100 pounds of food. Whoopee.

May 19th
Elliot breaks an arm! Finally, some excitement! He claims he "fell down a flight of stairs," but I just don't believe him. I think Rivers did it, but I'm not saying anything. That guy has a temper.

May 20th
No water

May 21st
No water. Health is poor. 57 miles to the next dot on the map.

May 24th
Very little water. Health is poor. I know not what to do. I can't hunt or buy water. This game is flawed.

May 25th
Inadequate grass. I don't even know what that means.

May 28th
An ox wanders off and we lose 3 days. We're down to 64 pounds of food, and I'll be damned if I'm going hunting. One of these other slackers can do it.

May 31st
Rough trail. 17 pounds of food. I think I am going to have to hunt.

June 1st
With just one pound of food left, I go a huntin'. I kill 2 pounds. I need to try again.

June 2nd
64 pounds.

June 3rd
2 pounds. Fuck this shit; we're going back on the trail.

June 9th
The food is gone, health is poor, and we just broke a wagon wheel. Last time I ever give the controls to Stephen. He spaced, and drove it over a cactus. His excuse? "Oh, I thought it was a bridge." What?! What the hell?! We're in the middle of the dessert! We tried to repair it to no avail, so we replaced it and I went hunting.

June 10th
No food. I decide to just let us run with nothing, and see how long it takes to kill all of us. This should be fun.

June 13th
We reach some river. I am so bored. I decide to ford it. We get about 5 feet in and sink. We lose a bunch of supplies and Stephen and Rivers are dead. Good riddance. They didn't do anything anyway.

June 14th
"Indians help find food." So, not only is this trail boring, it's also not PC. Damn right it's not PC, it's Apple II! HAHAHAHA!

June 15th
Ox gets injured. Things are going so badly. I pray for the sweat release of death or a computer crash.

June 16th
Elliot has a fever. We break a tongue. I can't move on until it is replaced.

July 1st
I finally get a tongue. Elliot now has exhaustion and Travis has cholera. We have no food and health is very poor. Death can't be far off. We head back out on the trail.

July 2nd
Elliot kicks the bucket. That was quick, huh?

July 5th
Travis dies. So, I guess it's just me left. There is little water. I pray for death.

July 6th
We find some wild fruit. I am happy.

July 7th
Heavy fog. We lose a day. I don't know why I am saying "we." It's now just me and some ox.

July 8th
I break my arm. Last time I ever try to surf an ox.

July 14th
More fog. Jesus, please, let me reach Oregon or die. Please?

July 17th
The trail divides, I head for the Dalles.

July 23rd
I reach The Dalles and decide to float down the river. It looks like I may make it after all. Who knew?

July 24th
Holy shit! I actually made it to the Willamette Valley! I have completed the Oregon Trail! I haven't done this since like 4th grade!

I feel great. I made it, but at the same time I can’t help but think of those I lost along the journey.

Total Score: 550. I know you're jealous. It's okay. Just don't get rude.

It was a long and hard journey, but I'm glad I made it. The days of working in a carpenter's shop are over. It's going to be smooth sailing from here.

Just in case you need to, you can play the original Oregon Trail right here for free online. And at the same site there are plenty of other Apple ][ games for you to play. So hop to.

I'm working on the trail right now, it looks like a good group, Grimace, Spider-Man, Ash, the Man with No Name and Harvey Pekar are all hard at work.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the girl to guy ratio in the art department is 80% women, 20% men. 4 to 1. Perks of being an art student, I guess...

Don't say I never did nothing for yous.

.

Marty Sweeney
1986 - 2058

Try yourself.

So, Rocket Grande will update today; early, I'm sure, but not this early; I'm a little too tired to be working with Dreamweaver right now. But I just want to say thanks for all the support we've been getting as of late. You guys make it much easier to update when I know someone wants something there. So thanks a bunch and check in with the Grande later today. It's a Hector comic.

Oh, and it is pronounced "GRAHN-day" not "grand." It's Spanish, people, get it straight.

Well, look at us now. Flashin' it and everything. Whut now, D3, whut now?

Um... you all need to be checking Rocket Grande like all the time now cause we are doing some cool stuff over there. Not much else happening here, one of my classes got canceled and my GPA got raised . I had a really good day.

I've been listening to old mix cds as of late. It's fun, it brings back memories. I recomend it. Oh, and I've updated the links and stuff, so yeah, rock on and rock out.